他不爱你，你会离开吗？

There comes a point in nearly every relationship in which you must decide if you are going to move on or commit. Sometimes you enter the dating world with a set of dealbreakers, but you become lax about them if you have strong feelings about a guy. Perhaps you really want to build a family, and he’s “open” to it when you get to know each other. But when your clock really starts ticking, he owns up to the truth that he just doesn’t want kids. Or you really want a guy who can hold down a job and pay his own bills, but you overlook his mooching because he’s just so romantic — until you’re fed up with taking care of him.

And then there’s the issue of reciprocity: Do you love him, and does he love you back? There are many reasons to stay in a relationship without love: sex, financial security, companionship, a green card. Yet if you love your guy and he doesn’t love you back, you can feel devastated. It is natural to wonder if there’s something wrong with you (or if you’re confident, what’s wrong with him for not loving you back?). But essentially, you wonder if you’re wasting your time. Perhaps you’d even be willing to give up your dreams of having a family with a gainfully-employed guy, if he loved you back.

At the end of the film Juno, the protagonist’s father tells her that a relationship can work over the long haul if both people love each other, warts and all. If your guy loves you even when you wake up and your hair is messy and you have bags under your eyes, then you’ve got a good thing! If he loves you despite your screechiness or willfulness or insecurity, you’re a lucky lady.

One of the painful experiences of childhood is being conditionally loved by one’s parents. You learn that parental warmth, affection and approval come when you “perform” certain behaviors, and these gifts are withdrawn when you perform others. Psychologists say that we develop false selves by pushing down that which our parents find unacceptable and only presenting those parts that elicit love and approval. When we grow into adults, we long to be completely accepted by another adult — to have our whole being embraced. It can be so lonely to have to put on a facade all the time. When you can come home to a partner and let go of your public mask, you can feel a tremendous relief.

So if you feel subtly (or not so subtly) rejected by your guy, if you feel that he doesn’t totally accept you as you are, how long do you wait for him to turn around?

If circumstances permit, you probably should leave if he does not fall in love with you — unless other factors overwhelmingly weigh in favor of staying (for the sake of the kids, financial considerations, etc.). So it really is a matter of when. People’s feelings of love can grow over time, so it’s within the realm of possibility that he will fall in love with you at some time in the future. But then again, he may not. How much of your life do you want to put on hold while you wait?

Astrology is one tool that may help you set a deadline for yourself. One indicator of time would be a transit from Saturn to your natal Venus. This is a “sh*t or get off the pot” experience, in which you are forced to become clear about your relationship priorities — and if they’re not being met, you move on. Saturn governs time, and you’re sick of wasting this valuable commodity on someone who doesn’t appreciate you. You can also look at outer planet transits to your natal Venus, and the position of your progressed Venus.

Venus rules value. If you’re not appreciated on your own terms, then you may want to find someone who does cherish you.